7-28-16
After 95+ heat all week long, it clouds up and cools down on the day when I don't need to be outside scrubbing and weeding mowing and washing and killing birds. Today, instead, I'm going to take the placement tests at PVCC. I'm not really bothered by the tests but the thought of sitting around the college all afternoon waiting for a ride is killing me. Hope I can work it so that I don't have to sit there forever. I don't like being at the farm with a bunch of strangers and when I'm out there I can hide in the guest bedroom. Sitting around a community college all afternoon with nothing to do is a bit terrifying. Whatever. I guess our phones have made it easier to be in public and be alone at the same time. They'll have wifi...They'd better have wifi or I'm calling the entire thing off.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
7-26-2016
More chicken processing tomorrow. Em brought me to an appointment at region 10 this afternoon and after she brought me back to the farm she and Logan took off in different vehicles to go to the market and some warehouse to buy a stainless steel table for chicken evisceration purposes. So I'm at the farm with the chickens and the pigs and the goats and the dogs and the bees. And Catric Swayze.
More chicken processing tomorrow. Em brought me to an appointment at region 10 this afternoon and after she brought me back to the farm she and Logan took off in different vehicles to go to the market and some warehouse to buy a stainless steel table for chicken evisceration purposes. So I'm at the farm with the chickens and the pigs and the goats and the dogs and the bees. And Catric Swayze.
The bees. I went down there and checked them out after Emilie left. The hive beetles are still there and are leaving the majority of the traps alone. All we can do is deploy more traps, level some insults at the beetles, and put more sugar water in the feeder. Beetles or not, there are a lot of fucking bees flying around down there. I'm comfortable around the hives when I'm with somebody else. I don't seem to notice them as much and the buzzing and thumping doesn't bother me as long as I'm wearing some bee gear. But all alone, doing general hive maintenance, my threshold is lowered quite a bit. I always end up doing it alone in the middle of the day so it's hot and they seem more agitated. I'm always dripping sweat onto my glasses while I'm holding things, everything is more confusing. Also, the bees know that I'm a novice and it makes them more brazen. They sense my lack of confidence and it emboldens them - suddenly they're all a bunch of tough guys. Still haven't been stung yet...Last week two of them stung the glove I was wearing and I left immediately with their stingers still hanging off of the glove. I left them in there to show my dad and later when i brushed my finger against them, they both pulsed and wiggled a little, still trying to push more venom into my hand after being dead for an hour.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
7-21-16
This is in response to the people constantly telling me, and everyone else, that we cant just group all the cops together, the "good" ones with the bad. Since that is being unfair to the other cops and "we obviously need them to keep us safe" This is, without fail, coming from people who've had barely any actual contact with police and only see the shitty behavior on TV. People who seem to love talking about how awful police brutality is but believe it's just a problem with individual cops. Not a systemic thing thats been going on constantly for as long as cops have existed. People who tend to not have any friends resembling any of the folks being abused or killed by pigs, on TV and the internet, daily.
This is in response to the people constantly telling me, and everyone else, that we cant just group all the cops together, the "good" ones with the bad. Since that is being unfair to the other cops and "we obviously need them to keep us safe" This is, without fail, coming from people who've had barely any actual contact with police and only see the shitty behavior on TV. People who seem to love talking about how awful police brutality is but believe it's just a problem with individual cops. Not a systemic thing thats been going on constantly for as long as cops have existed. People who tend to not have any friends resembling any of the folks being abused or killed by pigs, on TV and the internet, daily.
What ratio of good cop to bad cop is the tipping point? Are we okay with 30% crooked w/30% obviously complicit and 40% claiming ignorance? Is that acceptable? How about a 40-50-10 division? What about 1/10 of the police force being very openly corrupt and abusive with the rest being described as "honest cops who are just trying to help and make a living", but those 10% are still comfortable working next to people who's violent behavior would've landed them in jail immediately if they didn't have a badge to excuse it. I see a lot more of an effort to convince people that most cops are honest than any attempt to hold the others accountable and keep it from happening. Nobody's ever accused me of having a perfect, or even accurate, moral compass, but if the restaurant I work at keeps serving rats and broken glass to people I will either expose it or quit - I wont keep working there and trying to deflect blame as if I never had any idea what was happening. "Dont lump me in with those people that I worked next to forever who kept spitting in peoples food. I'm still an honest, hygienic cook who wants to serve good food. What was I going to do about them, make some sort of sacrifice that might effect me negatively in order to help people?" Bad analogy. I know. But how often do you need food, and how often do you actually need help from the cops? Not the theoretical if they aren't here to protect us everything will fall apart help, but actually provide a service that doesn't involve putting people in jail type-of help? A-and, who is more dangerous to the public when not held accountable? Un-hygenic cooks or dirty cops.
So where are all of these great cops at? Do they just never ever appear and do good deeds wherever a camera is? Obviously bad shit will get more attention, but the pigs have been trying really hard to improve their PR, as are the news agencies who cover for them while making money off of reporting on their brutality. While I was locked up and had my tv on more often I saw a few cell phone videos of the police being all heroic and Norman Rockwell (as opposed to all the other videos of them being very shady and George Orwell), but they just seemed a little tough to come by. I know from personal experience that a camera can make a friendly cop REALLY aggressive, and that was way before live streaming and Black Lives Matter. So do we just not film the good ones in the hopes we don't push them over the top? Do we give them the benefit of the doubt (that they don't give anyone else) and wait for the bad ones to surface so that they can get suspended for 3 months and then work side by side, yet again, with all them good ones, and all of that responsible, tolerant, even temperedness wears off on the guys who were committing 1st degree assaults on the job and on camera, earlier that year? Possibly those apple-cheeked good cops will even hold them accountable this time?
Technically yes, cops are humans and likely to make mistakes. But everyone is cutting these guys a lot more slack than they would an easily distracted lifeguard or an incompetent nurse who slips up and let somebody die. (I know people doin time for both of those things). How did everyone get convinced that its unfair to hold cops - the people we pay to enforce morality - to a high moral standard? Or even the same standard we hold kids to on the playground? How do they get to file lawsuits to make sure they don't have to have to take the same drug tests as people at WallMart? How do their civil liberties preclude that? If it's not okay for somebody who works at a grocery store to smoke pot, why the hell is it okay to not even check to see if cops are doing cocaine?
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
7-19-2016
re: the speech that Michelle Obama made during the 08 campaign and has recently been repurposed for Melania Trump.
For just a few minutes, forget that Mrs Obama and Mrs Trump made the same speech several years apart and just pay attention to how absolutely pointless the things they are saying are. These are two people, involved in politics, are saying "your word is your bond, do what you say you're going to do and keep your promises". Seriously? Guantanamo Bay is still open, non-violent drug crimes carry more time than ever before (just not for crack, those guys are getting a break while the people who sell other drugs are getting hit with longer and longer sentences), and those increases in minimum wage don't mean shit now that everything costs more. So don't prattle on about keeping promises.
My favorite part is when these obscenely rich members of the ruling elite say "The only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them." Neither of those ladies strike me as having fought their way up out of abject poverty any time recently. I'm not saying they haven't worked hard - I know Mrs Obama went to law school - but what a great way to tell everyone that the only reason things are so rough for so much of the country is because they haven't worked (or dreamed) hard enough - that the flaw is with them and not with a system that favors corporations over it's citizens and cares more about holding drug addicts accountable for shoplifting than banking officials who stole billions and crashed the economy. Sorry, you could've had equality and a fair amount of the income you've provided for the people running things, but there just wasn't enough strength in your dreams. If your dreams were stronger, you'd be able to have what we have.
It's all just soundbites and nonsense, designed to sound meaningful without saying anything that they can be held to later. They spend a lot of money to make sure everyone claps and cheers without thinking about thinking too much about what they are saying.
What is truly beautiful here is the fact that two huge crowds of people, who believe themselves to be the complete opposite of each other politically, cheered for the exact same political speech!!! If people from the Obama crowd had heard Mrs Trump say those things they would not have clapped like maniacs and cheered loud as fuck, and vice versa. If the Trump supporters had heard Michelle say those words they wouldn't have found them moving or meaningful. But as long as their party is saying something they will cheer, even if it's the exact same thing the other party is saying.
"Yes We Can" and "Make America Great Again" are two sides of the same shitty coin. Regardless of which vapid, insincere mouth it comes out of.
Stop clapping.
re: the speech that Michelle Obama made during the 08 campaign and has recently been repurposed for Melania Trump.
For just a few minutes, forget that Mrs Obama and Mrs Trump made the same speech several years apart and just pay attention to how absolutely pointless the things they are saying are. These are two people, involved in politics, are saying "your word is your bond, do what you say you're going to do and keep your promises". Seriously? Guantanamo Bay is still open, non-violent drug crimes carry more time than ever before (just not for crack, those guys are getting a break while the people who sell other drugs are getting hit with longer and longer sentences), and those increases in minimum wage don't mean shit now that everything costs more. So don't prattle on about keeping promises.
My favorite part is when these obscenely rich members of the ruling elite say "The only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them." Neither of those ladies strike me as having fought their way up out of abject poverty any time recently. I'm not saying they haven't worked hard - I know Mrs Obama went to law school - but what a great way to tell everyone that the only reason things are so rough for so much of the country is because they haven't worked (or dreamed) hard enough - that the flaw is with them and not with a system that favors corporations over it's citizens and cares more about holding drug addicts accountable for shoplifting than banking officials who stole billions and crashed the economy. Sorry, you could've had equality and a fair amount of the income you've provided for the people running things, but there just wasn't enough strength in your dreams. If your dreams were stronger, you'd be able to have what we have.
It's all just soundbites and nonsense, designed to sound meaningful without saying anything that they can be held to later. They spend a lot of money to make sure everyone claps and cheers without thinking about thinking too much about what they are saying.
What is truly beautiful here is the fact that two huge crowds of people, who believe themselves to be the complete opposite of each other politically, cheered for the exact same political speech!!! If people from the Obama crowd had heard Mrs Trump say those things they would not have clapped like maniacs and cheered loud as fuck, and vice versa. If the Trump supporters had heard Michelle say those words they wouldn't have found them moving or meaningful. But as long as their party is saying something they will cheer, even if it's the exact same thing the other party is saying.
"Yes We Can" and "Make America Great Again" are two sides of the same shitty coin. Regardless of which vapid, insincere mouth it comes out of.
Stop clapping.
Monday, July 18, 2016
7-18-16
Went to a party at Emilie and Logans farm yesterday. It was something they put together for the people that buy food from them, not a gathering of friends - since none of the people really knew each other - but a get-together to show people where their food is coming from and where their money is going. 30 people, give or take, who all seemed like decent, friendly people who enjoyed what they were doing and where they were. There was some excellent food served and apparently a couple of guys brought some good beer from their brewery. There were a few kids, all under 5, I think, that were well behaved and much less of a nuisance than I expect from kids of any age. Nice day too, hotter than shit, but at least there was a breeze.
I spent most of the time between 3 and 9:30pm sitting inside on the couch or in the guest bedroom, simultaneously wishing that I had someone to talk to and that I could just be alone and very far away. I was uncomfortable in a very specific, shitty way. Not knowing anyone is one thing, but not having anything in common with a bunch of people who clearly have a lot to talk about with each other - even though they were mostly strangers - is shitty. The normal social lubricants were off the table, for me anyways, I'd rather not talk than act stupid and Dad and Em would get uncomfortable if I were drinking. Besides, my awkwardness had far outpaced the abilities of gluten-free craft beer within the first 1/2 hour. It would've taken a lot of cocaine, or maybe some DMT, to break that ice.
It wasn't that I was terrified of talking to people, they were the least threatening people I've met in a long time, but there's a disconnect between me and those people. A few charitable souls approached me throughout the evening but as soon as soon as the initial smalltalk was finished I became immediately bored as fuck with what we were talking about and hoped they would go find someone else to talk to about permaculture and guinea hens, and then they would and I would wish they were still there. I grew impatient with (what I considered to be) their polite, inane attempts to be nice to somebody they didn't have much in common with and weren't interested in. Also, the constant glances at my tattoos and hints that they'd known Emilie long enough to know that her brother was in prison, gave me the impression they wanted to know some stuff they weren't comfortable asking.
This had more to do with me than them. They were, after all, very nice people. I just didn't want to have forced conversations with them, it was brutal. Especially since nearly any discussion of my life over the last 12 years would make one or both of us uncomfortable. I don't have any stories about livestock or helpful knowledge of cross pollination to share.
This was fine though because none of what was going on was about me. If I'm socially awkward around people that aren't criminals (still completely comfortable around the total strangers in the waiting room at the parole office, no uneasiness there), it doesn't take away from how great the Tweardies are doing.
It was a success all around, and while I didn't want to be there - and wouldn't have gone if Dad hadn't said we were going to leave after a couple of hours, which he knew was a lie. I was more upset with him than anything else. I told him I wasn't comfortable going but wouldn't mind it if we were only there for a couple of hours. He told me he was only planning on stopping by for a little bit anyway so it didn't seem like a big deal. But he brought us there way before anyone else showed up - earlier than Emilie had told us to show up - and kept us there as long as he could before leaving. Emilie basically told us to leave because she didn't need help cleaning up and they were going to sit outside and drink with their friends for a while. What was worse: the few times I was talking to anybody I would try to involve him in the conversation so he wouldn't just be standing around by himself, and he would physically boxed me out of the circle of people I'd been talking to! Suddenly I'm standing there with him between me and the people and I'm wondering what the fuck happened. I would try to stay involved but he would manage to move between me and them and completely act as if I weren't standing there. I've heard my mom talk about him doing that forever and was never sure how much truth was to it, now I feel bad for her. After having that happen a few times, I spent the rest of the day hiding out in the house like a teenager.
The word "alienated" occurs to me a lot lately because the term "alien" describes how I feel pretty well. Situations like that make me realize how far apart I feel from most people. The way I've learned to treat people, to behave, and to think about and interpret things, is all so different from the accepted way of doing things that I feel like I'm speaking a different language sometimes. Not just because I feel out of place, but because of how backwards all the shit everyone else is doing seems. Leaving Stillwater and coming to a place like this feels like landing among an aliens that look and talk and act human, but never quite get it right so there's always a cue telling me (and them), that we're not the same.
Went to a party at Emilie and Logans farm yesterday. It was something they put together for the people that buy food from them, not a gathering of friends - since none of the people really knew each other - but a get-together to show people where their food is coming from and where their money is going. 30 people, give or take, who all seemed like decent, friendly people who enjoyed what they were doing and where they were. There was some excellent food served and apparently a couple of guys brought some good beer from their brewery. There were a few kids, all under 5, I think, that were well behaved and much less of a nuisance than I expect from kids of any age. Nice day too, hotter than shit, but at least there was a breeze.
I spent most of the time between 3 and 9:30pm sitting inside on the couch or in the guest bedroom, simultaneously wishing that I had someone to talk to and that I could just be alone and very far away. I was uncomfortable in a very specific, shitty way. Not knowing anyone is one thing, but not having anything in common with a bunch of people who clearly have a lot to talk about with each other - even though they were mostly strangers - is shitty. The normal social lubricants were off the table, for me anyways, I'd rather not talk than act stupid and Dad and Em would get uncomfortable if I were drinking. Besides, my awkwardness had far outpaced the abilities of gluten-free craft beer within the first 1/2 hour. It would've taken a lot of cocaine, or maybe some DMT, to break that ice.
It wasn't that I was terrified of talking to people, they were the least threatening people I've met in a long time, but there's a disconnect between me and those people. A few charitable souls approached me throughout the evening but as soon as soon as the initial smalltalk was finished I became immediately bored as fuck with what we were talking about and hoped they would go find someone else to talk to about permaculture and guinea hens, and then they would and I would wish they were still there. I grew impatient with (what I considered to be) their polite, inane attempts to be nice to somebody they didn't have much in common with and weren't interested in. Also, the constant glances at my tattoos and hints that they'd known Emilie long enough to know that her brother was in prison, gave me the impression they wanted to know some stuff they weren't comfortable asking.
This had more to do with me than them. They were, after all, very nice people. I just didn't want to have forced conversations with them, it was brutal. Especially since nearly any discussion of my life over the last 12 years would make one or both of us uncomfortable. I don't have any stories about livestock or helpful knowledge of cross pollination to share.
This was fine though because none of what was going on was about me. If I'm socially awkward around people that aren't criminals (still completely comfortable around the total strangers in the waiting room at the parole office, no uneasiness there), it doesn't take away from how great the Tweardies are doing.
It was a success all around, and while I didn't want to be there - and wouldn't have gone if Dad hadn't said we were going to leave after a couple of hours, which he knew was a lie. I was more upset with him than anything else. I told him I wasn't comfortable going but wouldn't mind it if we were only there for a couple of hours. He told me he was only planning on stopping by for a little bit anyway so it didn't seem like a big deal. But he brought us there way before anyone else showed up - earlier than Emilie had told us to show up - and kept us there as long as he could before leaving. Emilie basically told us to leave because she didn't need help cleaning up and they were going to sit outside and drink with their friends for a while. What was worse: the few times I was talking to anybody I would try to involve him in the conversation so he wouldn't just be standing around by himself, and he would physically boxed me out of the circle of people I'd been talking to! Suddenly I'm standing there with him between me and the people and I'm wondering what the fuck happened. I would try to stay involved but he would manage to move between me and them and completely act as if I weren't standing there. I've heard my mom talk about him doing that forever and was never sure how much truth was to it, now I feel bad for her. After having that happen a few times, I spent the rest of the day hiding out in the house like a teenager.
The word "alienated" occurs to me a lot lately because the term "alien" describes how I feel pretty well. Situations like that make me realize how far apart I feel from most people. The way I've learned to treat people, to behave, and to think about and interpret things, is all so different from the accepted way of doing things that I feel like I'm speaking a different language sometimes. Not just because I feel out of place, but because of how backwards all the shit everyone else is doing seems. Leaving Stillwater and coming to a place like this feels like landing among an aliens that look and talk and act human, but never quite get it right so there's always a cue telling me (and them), that we're not the same.
Friday, July 15, 2016
7-15-16
Went up tho the peach orchard last night to watch the sunset. There was bad weather to the west so there wasn't much to see aside from the view that is always there, which will certainly do in a pinch. Just the atmosphere itself was worth going for. People covering the grass with blankets and folding chairs to sit and watch the sky, happy dogs on leashes and girls eating peach ice cream cones, a guy on an acoustic guitar on one end of the deck with his (not very good) music being quietly piped through the PA. It was like the beginning of a big party where nobody really knows each other very well, the nice part at the beginning before people are drunk and loud and talking to each other incoherently. We were all there for the same thing but people seemed to be keeping to themselves in a friendly way. Not a bad way to spend the evening.
Went up tho the peach orchard last night to watch the sunset. There was bad weather to the west so there wasn't much to see aside from the view that is always there, which will certainly do in a pinch. Just the atmosphere itself was worth going for. People covering the grass with blankets and folding chairs to sit and watch the sky, happy dogs on leashes and girls eating peach ice cream cones, a guy on an acoustic guitar on one end of the deck with his (not very good) music being quietly piped through the PA. It was like the beginning of a big party where nobody really knows each other very well, the nice part at the beginning before people are drunk and loud and talking to each other incoherently. We were all there for the same thing but people seemed to be keeping to themselves in a friendly way. Not a bad way to spend the evening.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
7-14-16
Trying to set up something aside from the prison blog that Emilie created for me...Not sure if I'll keep this one going or if I'll end up abandoning it for something else. I'm trying out a lot of things right now. Nothing out here is too easy to use anymore. Not to sound like an old man but everything has changed and its confusing and stupid and I don't like it...The world seems to have gotten bigger and faster since I went to prison. Everything electric tries to sell me something whenever I turn it on and use it. Being able to watch youtube and search the internet and pretend to stay connected to people on FB - all at the same time on one device - is convenient and cool, but it becomes immediately frustrating if you need to rely on the technology and haven't been using it constantly for the last six years. These fucking devices are more active and more aware than i am, and without wanting to act like a paranoid prison person...It all makes me very uncomfortable. Well, if not uncomfortable, suspicious as hell. But I think I've become suspicious of things in general.
My alienation and fresh-out-P.T.S.D. is mitigated by the following things:
- Gelato is now everywhere and since it's not ice-cream, which is bad for you and immature and sugary, we can all eat the hell out of tubs of salt caramel cookie crunch and it's cool.
- Toilet paper has evolved at an even greater rate than phones and the internet. Even the cheaper stuff is akin to wiping your ass with crushed velvet. Truly amazing.
- I thought that "On Demand" meant that you could pay to see the show/movie whenever you wanted, like a newer form of pay-per-view. Nope, if you have anything besides basic cable, that shit's free. 5,214 movies are currently available through Dish Network at my moms place in Minnesota. Through an ap, they can be streamed to my dads ipod and watched in bed here in Virginia. Whenever I feel like it. There is a lot of stuff I'd have to rent if I wanted to see it, but there are thousands of movies to watch on each subscription.
- Gelato is now everywhere and since it's not ice-cream, which is bad for you and immature and sugary, we can all eat the hell out of tubs of salt caramel cookie crunch and it's cool.
- Toilet paper has evolved at an even greater rate than phones and the internet. Even the cheaper stuff is akin to wiping your ass with crushed velvet. Truly amazing.
- I thought that "On Demand" meant that you could pay to see the show/movie whenever you wanted, like a newer form of pay-per-view. Nope, if you have anything besides basic cable, that shit's free. 5,214 movies are currently available through Dish Network at my moms place in Minnesota. Through an ap, they can be streamed to my dads ipod and watched in bed here in Virginia. Whenever I feel like it. There is a lot of stuff I'd have to rent if I wanted to see it, but there are thousands of movies to watch on each subscription.
- Crocs...
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